"Rockford is a hellhole" - my dad

February 26, 2012, 12:57 pm

≫ Next: Human Empanada: Kaner/Tazer, Adult

≪ Previous: is that what you call tact, Philly? IS IT?

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So, my weekend kind of sucked. Let's just say it opened with my dad being hypoglycemic while driving and leave it at that.

Anyway. I'M GOING TO POST HUMAN EMPANADA TOMORROW! I've almost gotten it back from all my betas and I'm writing up the extras post (a soundtrack no one but me will enjoy, a map, explanations about the universe that me, Katarin, and Hannah spent 2 hours figuring out last summer) right now. While drinking wine, so I can't make any guarantees about how typo-free the post will be, but the fic itself has been beta'd to HELL. I am so excited!

( under this cut is nothing but a filk of Last Kiss from Jeff Carter's POV )

Then my dad came into the room so i had to stop. oh also you should check out this Carter/Richards primer.

HOCKEY.

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Human Empanada: Kaner/Tazer, Adult

February 27, 2012, 1:58 pm

≫ Next: Human Empanada Extras

≪ Previous: "Rockford is a hellhole" - my dad

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Title: Human Empanada
Pairing: Kaner/Tazer
Word Count: 109,648
Summary: Kaner, a traditionally useless prince of America, and Tazer, the inheriting prince of British Canada, don't know each other when their mothers arrange their engagement. Once that's done all they have to do is get to know each other, get married, consummate the marriage, refrain from killing each other, negotiate a treaty with California, and try not to piss off Mexico again. Falling in love isn't part of the plan. That's politics, boys.
Notes: There will be an extended extra post about North America's alternate history posted tomorrow. In the meantime, here is a map (by just_katarin) of a re-imagined North America.

Thanks to Katarin for the nerdfest and map; doctor_denmark for the idea, the nerdfest, and fixing my massive issues with how royalty works; angelsaves for the amazing spelling & grammar beta; and quettaser for the unbelievably speedy content beta. I also owe huge thanks to everyone who let me harass them with word counts, excerpts, concepts, and just general bullshit. This fic took a longass time to write and I'm far from the only contributor. You guys rock.

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Human Empanada Extras

February 28, 2012, 3:41 pm

≫ Next: I had no idea I'd be the boy who your Mama warned you about

≪ Previous: Human Empanada: Kaner/Tazer, Adult

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Hey all! This is the Human Empanada extras post.

First off, ( history nerdery abounds - an explanation of North America's alternate history )

Here is a Human Empanada soundtrack. I say "a" and not "the" because I listened to a lot of different music while writing this fic, but some songs got heavy rotation. I fleshed those out with some other songs that I think fit the narrative. And yes, I have appalling taste in music. ( soundtrack! )

WHEW I THINK THAT'S IT. HOPE YOU ENJOYED. I would be delighted if people commented with speculation about other parts of history, or questions about certain details!

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I had no idea I'd be the boy who your Mama warned you about

February 29, 2012, 11:50 am

≫ Next: AND PEOPLE WOULD SAY WE'RE THE LUCKY ONES!!!!!!

≪ Previous: Human Empanada Extras

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( cut for talking about knotting fic )

Normally I hardly ever worry about people defriending me but really if you do after that then I can't even blame you.

Anyway, my adventures with delicious aside, I posted Human Empanada day before yesterday, as I'm sure many of you saw. The response to it has been so interesting. ( spoilers for the story )

I got a clarinet off eBay for $100, and it came with a case, two reeds, cleaning supplies, and cork grease. It's not the greatest quality but it has a 180-day parts & labor warranty, and a 5-year warranty on top of that, so I'm feeling pretty good about it. Knitting as a hobby just isn't working out for me - I'm too impatient. And I really enjoyed playing the clarinet back when I was a bb imp, though realistically I only played it for like a year and a half. Still, it was fun. So I'm going to again! My mother, who constantly bemoans my lack of musical ability, will be very pleased.

…I got nothing else to say. Really I'm just making this post in hopes that someone knows the knotting fic I'm talking about and commiserates with me (other than Abby, who already did).

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AND PEOPLE WOULD SAY WE'RE THE LUCKY ONES!!!!!!

March 1, 2012, 2:43 pm

≫ Next: I'm a rich man, I know I'm gonna die

≪ Previous: I had no idea I'd be the boy who your Mama warned you about

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The response to the post I made about Human Empanada (okay, and knotting) has been overwhelming. I'm so grateful I'm in a fandom where people feel free to give me crit and tell me what they think I could've done better/what they wanted more of. I'm still working my way through responses, but seriously, people taking the time to talk to me about the fic, and what they got from it, is amazing. I've learned so much, both in the process of writing and editing it, and in reading people's comments and criticism. Thanks, guys. You're very good to me.

I've spent most of my writing time the past two days building up to the terrible trade that breaks Jeff Carter and Mike Richards up. If you didn't read it the first time I linked it, you should most definitely check out riadsala's Carter/Richards primer here. She manages to make it both hilarious and informative. Also I'm going to be talking about them a lot, so get ready.

Starting in on a longfic again after Human Empanada is interesting. This one will probs be 40,000-50,000 words, and I don't have plot to burn this time, so the arc is different. Hopefully it won't be a massive letdown after Human Empanada; I'd like to think I've learned a thing or two about writing in the course of finishing that monster.

Why do I take writing so seriously? Lord only knows. This is especially funny since the result of me writing this fic will be Brand New and Taking Back Sunday leaping to the top of my most-played stuff. EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT BREAKING HEARTS I LEARNED FROM YOU!!!!

The Blackhawks last night almost gave me a heart attack. This fucking team, you guys. Way to be down by two and then pull ahead and then GIVE UP A GOAL IN THE LAST FIVE SECONDS OF THE GAME ARGH. I can't even with them. Also, our goalie controversy continues to make me laugh hysterically while pressing my face into a pillow. Oh Corey. Be better. :(

Apparently Geno got into a fight last night. Does anyone have links to video/gifs of that? Here is a gif for your troubles:



Actually a picspam seems like a GREAT way to spend my time. Here are some pictures! ( under the cut: cute things, hockey players, hot ladies )

ps thank you, bunnymcfoo and snowrose, for the dragons! They are delightful. ♥

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I'm a rich man, I know I'm gonna die

March 2, 2012, 11:51 am

≫ Next: YET ANOTHER POST about Human Empanada

≪ Previous: AND PEOPLE WOULD SAY WE'RE THE LUCKY ONES!!!!!!

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Here is my opinion about Lucy Liu being cast as John Watson in the CBS version of Sherlock Holmes: I think it has the potential to go south very quickly. Genius-wrangler is a very, very popular role for women on TV to have right now, and it's reductive and misogynistic in many cases. BUT I think a lot of white people are forgetting how rare it is for Asian women (or men) to be cast in major roles on American TV, and I think a lot of fandom is objecting for…less than purely good-hearted reasons. I've seen a LOT of discussion about LJ and tumblr, and I've seen a few people making decent arguments, but most of it reads like concern trolling because the authors are worried about the slash being diminished. That might be cynical, but I think it's also probably pretty accurate. (everyone on my flist has been decent - Tumblr, not so much.)

This whole thing is a weird argument to me because Sherlock's fail and erasure made it unwatchable for me. Long before the staggering homophobia of Irene Adler's episode, everything that made the original Sherlock Holmes interesting to me was all but erased in the show. Watson didn't have a limp because it was "psychosomatic" (and as anyone with psychosomatic pain knows, it can be erased instantly once someone points out it's all in your head!). Watson didn't have PTSD, just an addiction to danger and a desire to return to the conditions of the battlefield (DEF NOT PTSD I AGREE). Sherlock didn't have a cocaine problem. And, I think most difficultly for me, he wasn't bipolar. One of the reasons I love Sherlock as a character so much is because he's one of us. He's bipolar, and he's still a good guy, if somewhat of a mess. I love that. And Sherlock didn't have it, and it had so much other fail that I wasn't interested in it (I also think it was homophobic from like, the 2nd episode. and racist).

So it's weird to me to see people arguing that lady Watson is such a huge negative change compared to Sherlock, because to me, Sherlock erased all of aspects of the original two characters that made them so compelling to me, while simultaneously mocking and belittling my orientation at every turn. I'm not saying people who enjoy it are bad people or anything, just that it didn't work for me so profoundly, so it's weird seeing everyone argue that the CBS show would be an unforgivable departure from the original just because Watson's a woman.

anyway, today I went for a five-mile run on the cross-trainer and ate a nutritious lunch. and soon I'm going to go buy a bra that fits. LIVIN DANGEROUSLY.

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YET ANOTHER POST about Human Empanada

March 4, 2012, 6:54 pm

≫ Next: coming home, coming home

≪ Previous: I'm a rich man, I know I'm gonna die

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Huh, okay, so the past few days have seen a ton of discussion of Human Empanada and I guess I can't really get away with being flip and not wanting to discuss the "Tazer is abusive of Kaner" stuff anymore. Which is sad, because "ignore it till it goes away" is my favorite coping mechanism of all time.

Here is the short version of what I'm going to say: I don't think I wrote an abusive relationship.

( The long version )

Okay, there. That's me being serious about it. Hope that cleared some stuff up. I know I can't control how people interpret my fic, but I did want to go on the record about what I actually intended.

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coming home, coming home

March 5, 2012, 10:42 am

≫ Next: I have that song for the commercial for hubcaps stuck in my head :(

≪ Previous: YET ANOTHER POST about Human Empanada

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Sometimes I remember the fact that there is ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF that Kaner has gotten laid at least once because of his semi-fame and I laugh. Then I remember that he boned someone who told him he'd had a shitty year and I laugh harder. (Then I remember that Katarin and I FAILED AT THE INTERNET and didn't get caps of her twitter and I cry inside.)

Other things that make me laugh: the mini-wank that went on last year about Kaner's ~mysterious black eye post-playoffs and where he'd gotten it and blah blah blah when like a week ago he'd been high-sticked in the eye by Ryan "filthy traitor" Kesler. WHERE DID HE GET THE BLACK EYE FROM???? HE HASN'T SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!! Oh sports media, never change. Please deliver me 100000 more stories about Ovie's gut/the Blue Jays stealing signs/Kaner's coke habit and apparently love of the BDSM underworld/Shea Weber's beard¹.

I don't know if I ever told LJ about this, but when I hung out with the marketing interns over the summer I got a minor collection of hilarious Kaner stories, including that he lured these two girls - an intern and her friend - to the basement area of a bar, by the bathrooms, and then drunkenly dropped trou. No lies, I'm super glad Kaner appears to have cleaned his act up, but by the same token I really can't regret that we had that year where he was drunk off his ass basically 24/7 (and probably DOING COCAINE BY THE CUBIC FOOT, SINCE WE ALL KNOW WRIGLEY IS AWASH IN IT²) and was still a PPG player³. ♥Patrick Kane♥

Can you tell I'm getting nostalgic for the playoffs? OH BOY OH BOY. one more month of regular season hockey! during which I'm sure the Canes will pull off a miracle run and win the Southeast and get into the playoffs. That seems like reality. I'm not even expecting a lot from the Hawks this year, though it would be nice if they got out of the first round.

by now everyone's seen this video but OH MAN THE BURKES + DUNCS + A BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE INCLUDING HARTNELL WHO I HAVE AN INEXPLICABLE FONDNESS FOR NOW I GUESS. My favorite part of this video is my favorite part of everything anti-homophobia Brian Burke does, which is the expression on his face that just screams "IF PEOPLE WEREN'T DICKS I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS. DON'T CALL ME A GOOD PERSON FOR DOING THIS, BECAUSE DECENT PEOPLE DON'T HATE GAYS." Brian Buuuuurke rent a barn out in Lake Placid⁴ and punch homophobia in the FACE.

But no, for real I am glad hockey is doing this. I want Brian Burke to team up with Sir Charles so they can be like FUCK HOMOPHOBIA NO ONE CARES ABOUT GAYS IN THE LOCKER ROOM AND IF YOU DO CARE YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE. Other people I love: &Sir Charles;

Writing Jeff Carter after spending forever writing Patrick Kane is weird. He's like nine million times less distinct than Kaner (I know, I know, my Kaner voice is insane) but he's also way more dramatic and whiny. I can't wait till I get to write about him driving out to the middle of nowhere in Ohio and breaking down and crying. I hope none of the people getting into hockey fandom right now are under the impression that I write, like…even-keeled fic that's not completely OTT and ridiculous. Because that would be wrong.

Remember lesbian regency? I'M FINALLY EDITING IT. It's not as terrible as I remember, which is promising. I think mostly I was just being dramatic in my head when I finished it because I hadn't finished anything original in years, so I thought it was terrible. Really it's just 50,000 words of people failing at feelings, drunkenly making out, denying they're into each other, insisting on how straight they are, and shamefully fapping. So it's not like anything I have ever, ever written before in my entire history as a writer!

Katarin and Abby are doing an epic BSG rewatch and I hop onto the party train whenever i'm over, and omg, y'all, the epic, unparalleled shark jump of BSG. First of all, you have Black Market aka THE BEST EPISODE TO EVER INCLUDE LEE'S WHINY MANPAIN AND INEXPLICABLE CHILD HOOKER CONSPIRACIES AND BASICALLY EVERYTHING THAT'S GOOD IN THE WORLD. Second of all, you have Fat Lee, my love of whom is well-documented. Third of all, you have Leoben and Kara, about whom I want all of the dub/non-con fic in the ENTIRE WORLD. Fourth of all, you have EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT LATER BSG BECAUSE IT IS ALL BANANAS. I spent basically the entire weekend lying on Katarin and Abby's couch and demanding that Katarin explain BSG to me. And then screeching about her explanations because none of them made a lick of sense even though she was reading directly from Wikipedia. Whatever, let's make like Kara Thrace and drunkenly make a terrible decision or five, flist⁵.


¹Last year everyone was all "is it fair for Shea Weber to start growing a playoff beard in February?" WHY DO YOU CARE, HIS BEARD IS A MAGNIFICENT SEMI-SENTIENT CREATURE WITH MORE DEFENSIVE CAPABILITY THAN EVERY FIBER OF MIKE GREEN'S BEING. YOU ARE BLESSED TO BE IN ITS PRESENCE. SIT DOWN.

²Which, let's be honest. Wrigley is awash in ballsweat, pee, and booze. Sometimes LITERALLY awash in it. I do get nostalgic for the smell of the Addison red line stop in the summer sometimes.

³BE GLAD I HAVEN'T SUBJECTED LJ TO MY CRAZY RANT ABOUT PEOPLE BITCHING ABOUT KANER NOT SCORING GOALS THIS YEAR WHEN HE'S CONSTANTLY PUTTING UP SOG IN ADDITION TO LEADING THE TEAM IN ASSISTS also the weird fanfiction Katarin and I sometimes write to each other that's all about Kaner and Jumbo Joe playing on a line together and becoming a perpetual passing motion machine.

⁴Was it ever resolved if he meant a literal barn or a hockey rink? I assume hockey rink, but who knows, maybe he was planning on stabbing the guy with a pitchfork before getting a horse to high-kick him in the face.

⁵Dear everyone smirking at my obvious narcissistic love of douchey alcoholic blondes and wondering if there's one in lesbian regency: SHUT UP. (duh)

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I have that song for the commercial for hubcaps stuck in my head :(

March 6, 2012, 1:09 pm

≫ Next: disjointed stuff + Angela/Cassie commentfic

≪ Previous: coming home, coming home

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I just deleted like 3 really long paragraphs about my incredibly boring eating habits, including an ode to frozen vegetables. CONSIDER YOURSELVES SPARED.

Everyone should dogpile allthespoons until she finishes her Kelley/Ali primer. Ok cool. Also everyone should dogpile me until I ACTUALLY FINISH an Alex/Abby fic. Especially if it's one about Abby being an assistant coach of the USWNT and bossing Alex around and Alex being really bratty and into it, and then them boning and Alex crazily insisting it's a one-time thing every time they bone, and Abby feeling super guilty because she's an authority figure.

OR you could talk to me about Cassie Campbell and Angela Ruggiero boning regularly from the time Angela's 18, and them both being suuuper far in denial about it and hating each other kind of crazily, to the point that even their teammates are like "That's intense, bro", only the whole time they're meeting up to bone whenever they can. And so they have this big epic decade-plus relationship that they're both in denial about until finally Cassie retires and Angela retires, too, and then they hang out because they're both working to make women's hockey a more visible sport, and Cassie's busy being a BAMF on Canadian TV, and Angela's like, "You were never that horrible to me, you know," and Cassie's like, "The fighting was fun, though," and then they BONE FOREVER.

Or fic about Julie Chu and Angela Ruggiero boning in college when Julie's a freshman and Angela's a junior, and Angela's the captain of the hockey team and is super into being really responsible, only Julie makes her want to be the least responsible captain of all time and bone the hot freshman.

…I'm terrible.

I'm doing my best to get through the comments re: abuse in Human Empanada, but it's slow going because I'm trying not to give myself too much stress. I will get there eventually I swear! Everyone has really good things to say and I want to actually respond to them. (Pay no attention to the Taylor Swift fic in the comments. Or actually do pay attention, and talk about how Taylor Swift needs to be completely crazy at Abigail until Abigail is all "CALM DOWN" and then bones her. look, it's always Taylor Swift time in my journal, DEAL WITH IT!!!!)

What was this post going to be about before it devolved into me talking about all the ladies I want to bang each other? I have no idea. Here, have ( a picture )

Someone should talk to me about Taylor Swift being a head case, or Alex Morgan being a head case, or Kelley O'Hara only being able to express her feelings by smashing things/people, or lady hockey players boning and being super in denial about it. I have a stance on ladies who can't deal with their emotions, and that stance is: yes.

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disjointed stuff + Angela/Cassie commentfic

March 7, 2012, 12:11 pm

≫ Next: poll: loathsome NHL players

≪ Previous: I have that song for the commercial for hubcaps stuck in my head :(

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I was trying to make a list of things. It went something like this:

1) I love Matt Duchene crazily for no reason and now he's BROKEN AGAIN DAMN IT JONATHAN TOEWS YOU RUIN EVERYTHING I LOVE!!!!
2) It's fanon that Tazer destroys the lives of people who get too close to Kaner; see Skille, Duchene, and Carcillo (why do people call Kaner Bieber) (thank God Carcillo is injured and not hanging out with Kaner or talking to the press about it anymore) (HOCKEY HAS A BIEBER HIS NAME IS JEFF SKINNER)
3) Bees are the worst ever and pollination is a lie (this is a TRUE FACT about the UNIVERSE)
4) I get sad thinking about how there's no fic about the 2010 Canadian women's Olympics hockey team despite the one time I tried to watch the gold medal round being ruined by my own jingoistic hatred of Canadian national hockey teams

only then I got distracted thinking about how sad I am that Matt Duchene is sad. I JUST WANT YOU TO DO THE BANG-BANG DANCE WITH STASTNY ALL THE TIME, DUCHENE!

also I got distracted by this gif:



not in a sexy way, in an "eStaal you know there are cameras on you, what is WRONG with you?" way. There is less than a month until we get to see him live. I cannot wait.

Y'all should check out this post by angelsaves about old-timey women hockey players. They were badasses who, in the beginning, had to skate in LONG SKIRTS. Let that sink in for a minute. I love all of them, and would totally read original fic about an early 1900s lady hockey team. &badass ladies; I also commentficced Angela/Cassie, if you're into that kind of thing.

Another thing you should check out: this awesome interview with Angela Ruggiero where she talks about growing hockey in general and women's hockey in particular, and starting grass-roots efforts to make women's teams in the US and Canada a reality. I love her. Hearts in my eyes, etc. I feel kind of bad about how much porn I want to write about her boning her formal rival. But only kind of bad, because seriously, rivals boning for days.

actually w/e posting my Angela/Cassie here. ( Angela/Cassie commentfic! )

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poll: loathsome NHL players

March 8, 2012, 4:38 pm

≫ Next: I'm not saying, I'm IMPLYING

≪ Previous: disjointed stuff + Angela/Cassie commentfic

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here!

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I'm not saying, I'm IMPLYING

March 9, 2012, 3:16 pm

≫ Next: it's a beautiful day

≪ Previous: poll: loathsome NHL players

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Guys, I had the weirdest day. First there was rage about a SI photo gallery calling all women puck bunnies. Then there was this article about the gallery that a certain discerning, well-spoken person who shall remain unnamed posted. Then there was gym determination, and then endorphin elation, and then job fair must-sell-myself adrenalin. Then that article was LINKED ON PUCK DADDY, so there was…those feelings. Now it's 5 o'clock and I am fucking wiped, so I'm passed out on Katarin and Abby's couch drinking diet Sierra Mist.

Have I told you about my tragic diet Sprite/Sierra Mist addiction? Dudes, I mocked that shit for YEARS, because what is even the point of no-sugar Sprite? Only then I tried it, and it's basically made of delicious and magic. MAGIC, I tell you. So now I'm hooked. I live on that shit now. It's embarrassing.

I'm tragically empty of fannish feelings right now that aren't, like, my continual love of Patrick Kane and my tragic newfound love of Jeff Carter. We actually watched the garbage Kings/Blue Jackets game last night, which the BJs (ha ha ha) WON and which contained ABSOLUTELY ZERO PERCENT Richie & Carter jumping into each other's arms by volume. I felt so indignant and cheated. Also apparently Jeff Carter is half living at Richie's and half living in a hotel room? Yeah, because THAT'S not weird or anything. What a normal way for a bro to live. ROLL AROUND AND CRY MORE ABOUT HOW HARD YOU WANT TO BANG RICHIE, CARTS.

Tomorrow is lunch with Amy, and then Sunday is brunch with Rosie, two ladies I don't get to see very often. I am EXCITED! Now, hopefully, the Blackhawks won't get murdered. (I have no hopes about the Canes.)

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it's a beautiful day

March 10, 2012, 1:43 pm

≫ Next: we'll turn the lights off

≪ Previous: I'm not saying, I'm IMPLYING

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Thus far, writing Carter/Richards has involved writing an entire sex scene with "Jesus Take The Wheel" on repeat. Y'all, I hate Jesus Take The Wheel SO MUCH. it's such a stupid song. Why are you letting go of the steering wheel??? WHY IS YOUR BABY IN THE BACKSEAT YOU MORON? YOU'RE UNFIT TO BE A PARENT. GET OUT!!! but it made shockingly good background music while I was writing angsty breakup boning. This fic will definitely make it to my personal ridic hall of fame. I haven't written the scene of Jeff Carter crying yet, because I'm skipping the parts where Carter's in Ohio for now, but OH BOY is it going to be fun to write. Probably I'll put Jesus Christ on repeat. Or maybe Forever And Always. There are so many options because I have SO MUCH bad teen angst music!

I have six icons with aviators now. And 21 Hurricanes icons. This says absolutely AWFUL things about my taste level. whatevs, badass ladies/birds in aviators forever.

I decided it's time for a picspam!!! PICTURES! there are a bunch of adorbs pictures from the blackhawks' practice and whatnot SO NOW I AM GOING TO POST THEM. if you're on Tumblr you've already seen them, but w/e. ( pictures! )

LET'S ALL TALK ABOUT KANER/TAZER FOREVER. or about how I'm going to write a Kaner/Sharpy Beauty and the Beast AU where Tazer is a sad, disapproving pillow butler. We can talk about that too, if you want to hear my thoughts on Kaner as the Beast, or Sharpy's bad taste. I WILL CONVINCE YOU OF THE GREATNESS OF KANER/SHARPY IF IT KILLS ME, GO GENTLE/LJ AT LARGE.

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we'll turn the lights off

March 11, 2012, 1:54 pm

≫ Next: the Rockies' juiced balls

≪ Previous: it's a beautiful day

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I stayed up wayyyyy too late last night listening to my Broken Bromance playlist (which is pretty much all Long Island bands and Taylor Swift, with a few outliers like The Far West thrown in) and writing about Mike Richards being a repressed asshole, but it just felt right to stumble into church at 8:45 with a withdrawal headache (QUITTING CAFFEINE IS THE WORST EVER) and exhaustion weighing my lids down. The only way it could be better is if I was hungover, but I only had 3 beers over the course of like, 6 hours, so no dice there. I'm sure I'll make it to church hungover at some point. Probably post-searching for lesbians.

Oh, btw, this is the first time I've actually gone to church since being like "I think maybe I'll go to church!" in November. Sometimes it takes me a long time to think things through.

Then I went to the liquor store. Like you do on a Sunday.

I'm probs going to stop accent-switching for the most part. It's tiring and annoying, and anyway, I don't like sounding like how I don't sound in my head. I'll just roll with the Beverly Hillbilly jokes and various other cracks at school (what is even up with that? It's happened in multiple classes and it's just like, friend, we ain't in middle school anymore, you are at least 20 years old, calm your ass down) (they're never about me specifically, but somehow in 3 or 4 classes Southern accents have come up and they're always the subject of mocking, even in classes where I use my actual accent).

I can't remember if I told the internet this, but me, Katarin, and Abby are going down to North Carolina for a 3-day weekend at the end of March. We're going to see the Canes play the Devils (in cheap as shit 100-level seats, thanks small market) and hang out with my sister. I CANNOT WAIT. Right now the event I am most anticipating on the trip down is bumping into the state. You can always tell when you cross over from Virginia into North Carolina because the roads become 9000x worse. This is because Carolina spends like $5 million on their highway wildflower project and like $2 on actual road maintenance. I'm going to drag Katarin and Abby all over Raleigh and they'll probably say "yeah, this is…super not that cool," AND IT WILL BE WONDERFUL. In case you hadn't picked up on it, I am soooooo defensive of my home state. it's not even that great - it's not important and nothing ever really happens there - but I love it so much. I will shiv anyone who shittalks the Raleigh-Durham area so quickly.

What is the deal with Draw Something? Half the people I follow on Twitter are getting into it. I don't think I can do it because I'm terrible at drawing things and when I play games I'm bad at I just get really annoyed.

Anyway, yesterday I wrote two chatfics: some Kaner/DRose with svmadelyn here, and some Kaner/Tazer + Kaner's kid with doctor_denmark here. Enjoy your Sunday!

ps:

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the Rockies' juiced balls

March 13, 2012, 5:13 pm

≫ Next: Article 3

≪ Previous: we'll turn the lights off

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OH MY DEAR SWEET LORD WHAT EVEN HAPPENED SUNDAY NIGHT??? We went to Roadhouse 66 and there were two rounds of shots and 4 sweet tea & sweet tea vodka drinks and a million high fives with other bros there to watch the Blackhawks game and Abby wore her tiara and got her ear licked by a Yankees fan (ew) and now my USA jersey smells like booze again. If you need a flawless bar experience, go to Roadhouse 66 on a Sunday apparently??? I can't even. I want to live there, though possibly next time drink less, because it wasn't actually my intention to get hammered on a Sunday night.

( boring crap about food and life shit )

OKAY TIME TO WATCH THE HURRICANES LOSE TO THE RANGERS!!! I'd say something fannish but right now all I want to read about is Eric devirginizing lady Jeff Skinner. And that's awful.

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Article 3

March 15, 2012, 6:37 am

≫ Next: SIXTEEN WINS IS OPEN AND READY FOR BUSINESS!

≪ Previous: the Rockies' juiced balls

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I woke up this morning to someone power-washing the walls of the bar behind the alley, and I lay there for a few minutes thinking my radiator was exploding but not giving enough fucks to get up and actually see what was going on. "what if I end up with third degree burns all over and metal lodged in my leg? that would be terrible. I'm going to lie here some more." - my moronic opinion. I also had a pounding headache because I've dehydrated myself. I'm so good at this taking care of myself thing!

I just backread my insane CVS rant and spent a good 10 minutes wondering how I even have friends. I have yet to figure out the soap issue, btw. I keep forgetting to ask when I go there/going there in such a state of grossness that I'm too ashamed to speak to people. sorry I inflict myself upon you, CVS. I WOULDN'T DO IT IF YOU KEPT YOUR SOAP IN A LOGICAL PLACE!!!! maybe I'll quit cvs and go to walgreens forever. Only I have to cross two streets to do it, and when it's 12 AM and you just want a frozen dinner, that seems like the biggest burden in the world.

Also I have a huge grudge against Walgreens because back when I was a first year in college and was a headcase who stayed up way too late all the time, I went to refill my anti-psychotic at 3 AM and the pharmacist was all, "We're out. Do you need it right now?" No, lady, I refill my ANTI-PSYCHOTICS at 3 AM all the time for shits and giggles when I actually have 15 pills left. YES I NEED IT NOW. and then she sent me halfway across the city for my meds. or, okay, five blocks. WHATEVER WALGREENS IS GARBAGE CVS FOREVER.

at least I no longer drink caffeine so I don't have to cry about CVS's lack of delicious perfect sugar free lemonade amp. I guess. caffeine :( :( :(

Truly, the only thing that's making all this healthy life changes bullshit bearable is visualizing going into my shrink's office in April and being like I'M NO LONGER ON CAFFEINE JUST LIKE YOU'VE BEEN BUGGING ME ABOUT FOR TWO YEARS. TAKE THAT, BUDDY! only I won't actually call him buddy because he's like 60 and kind of intimidating.

anyway, fannish stuff. Y'all, sometimes I forget how much I love the Blackhawks because they're such pains in the asses, but I really do love them so much. Not just Kaner, either; I love the whole team. Granted, I'm going to next express this by writing a Kaner/Sharpy Beauty and the Beast AU. But they're so wonderful. I recently rewatched all of the Patrick Sharp all-access videos and laughed my ass off. "Hey Toes, I noticed they pronounced your name Toews, even though it's clearly Toes. How do you respond?" Sharpy forever. I'm sorry you're so attractive but have legit awful taste in people, Sharpy. I hope you and Burish still Skype constantly.

here is another fannish opinion: Lundqvist is not that attractive, in no small part because he is unrelentingly orange like that dude from figure skating fandom. COME AT ME, BROS. AS A LESBIAN I FEEL MY OPINION SHOULD COUNT TWICE BECAUSE I AM BASICALLY OBJECTIVE ABOUT DUDES WHO AREN'T NAMED PATRICK KANE. THIS IS HOW LOGIC WORKS, RIGHT? GREAT!!!!

no but for real, why hasn't anyone written fic about Tazer devirginizing Kaner when they're in juniors and Kaner being really into it and expressing that by acting like he hates Tazer? and then they're both on the Blackhawks which is kind of awkward because of that time they hooked up, and like, Tazer is all "okay, maturity, I can do this," but he expresses 'maturity' by being a total dick to Kaner all the time. meanwhile Kaner is acting out like crazy because he doesn't know how to deal with the feelings he still has about Tazer, who was totally his first crush, which is GARBAGE.

and then Tazer bangs Kaner for the good of the team. As per usual. "if we're having sex Kaner won't be busy salting everyone's game and trying to sneak into bars and hitting on everything with two legs. Also we won't have to worry about him getting an STD. It's for the good of the team."

Some days I think I should just staple "for the good of the team" to my face and be done with it.

SPEAKING OF, LET'S TALK ABOUT CAM/ERIC. I DON'T CARE WHAT THE TALK IS ABOUT. WHAT IF ERIC WAS A GIANT GAY SEX VIRGIN UNTIL HE AND CAM SLEPT TOGETHER AFTER WINNING THE CUP? WHAT IF ERIC EXPRESSED HIS PINING BY SLEEPING WITH EVERYONE WHO WAS WILLING? WHAT IF CAM AND ERIC BROKE UP AND ERIC MOPED AND THERE WERE TONS OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS AND SADNESS UNTIL THEY GOT BACK TOGETHER? WHAT IF THEY MOVED IN TOGETHER BECAUSE CAM BROKE UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND, BUT IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL BECAUSE THEY'RE TOTALLY NOT SLEEPING TOGETHER? I want to read all of these things!

I'm ending this crazy screed now. For the good of the team.

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SIXTEEN WINS IS OPEN AND READY FOR BUSINESS!

March 16, 2012, 10:30 am

≫ Next: ahahahahahahaha )))))

≪ Previous: Article 3

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Yesterday was the most ridiculous fucking day I've had in a longass time; see here for details. I'm procrastinating cleaning like a pro just now.

BUT GUESS WHAT NONE OF THAT MATTERS BECAUSE THE PLAYOFFS POOL COMM IS READY TO GO LIVE!!!! sixteenwins sixteenwins sixteenwins

go! sign up! the more people bet things, the better! if you're hesitant about signing up, LET ME CONVINCE YOU! it will be a ton of fun if we get a decent number of people. and it will make the playoffs even more crazy fun than they already are. SIGN UP YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

oh also, I got my very first flame on a fic. took me years and years, but I finally got one. I'm a controlling asshole who writes evil tropefic or…something. I am SO PROUD you guys. it's like I'm moving up in the world.

okay now shoo and sign up for Sixteen Wins. PLAYOFFS :DDDDDD

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ahahahahahahaha )))))

March 16, 2012, 6:54 pm

≫ Next: I DON'T KNOW THE RULES OF SOCCER!!!

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FUCK DUKE.

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I DON'T KNOW THE RULES OF SOCCER!!!

March 19, 2012, 9:51 am

≫ Next: let's sweat it out.

≪ Previous: ahahahahahahaha )))))

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This weekend was ridiculous and I'm going to greatly enjoy my recovery day of lying around doing nothing. But we got to watch TSwift be crazy and play soccer in the park and meet contrarieangie and go to the Blackhawks game last night, which was amazing on like nine levels. We had the usual drunk bros behind us, this time yelling HIT SOMEBODY!!!! and SHOOOOOT!!!!, and I got to see Kaner be amazing, and Claire was here and it was her first game so there were stars in her eyes. &Blackhawks; NOW JUST HAVE GREAT GAMES LIKE THAT AGAIN. ALSO MAYBE REMEMBER HOW TO PASS.

I jinxed myself into not being able to wear pants with my Kaner third jersey, so I live a pantsless life now. Yesterday I wore white leggings with bright pink lace leggings over them. I am a winner.

Today I discovered that someone's wireless network in my building is "cubs1908". Sorry about your life, bro, but thanks for the amusement. Probably nothing funnier than that will happen to me today. That's hard to top.

I don't have a lot to say because I got 12 hours of sleep Thursday-Saturday so right now I'm kind of @___@ at being well rested for the first time in days. How was YOUR weekend, flist?

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let's sweat it out.

March 21, 2012, 1:50 pm

≫ Next: that's why I treat my body like an indestructible machine

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My entire life is this icon lately. Well, that icon, and also soccer in the park. Technically I think we're playing in a dog park. But who cares, really. Soccer in the park forever. It's been years and YEARS since I played soccer - 8 years since I did it in a team, and 6 years since I played with friends. Kicking a ball around is so much fun, you guys. And collapsing on the ground after playing is almost as good. This is going to be the summer of soccer, and also adorable dogs coming to play with us, which thus far has happened both times we've been. My goal is to get good enough that I can't be successfully defended by a puppy.

Anyway, SPEAKING OF OUTDOORSY THINGS, let's talk about an issue very near and dear to my heart: sweat.

You see, I'm in an athletes fandom, and I'm reading a lot of fic in fandoms involving people who work out/are athletic a lot. And I keep noticing things that throw me out of the fic. For example: Character A flops down, gross and sweaty, on Character B's couch. Character B, who is clean and not sweaty, finds this incredibly sexy.

Or: Character A and B have been working out. They don't shower right away. Then someone goes down on someone else. Without a shower.

These things GROSS ME OUT because they treat sweat like it's just water, like someone's been swimming in a lake and that's why they're all wet. Only sweat isn't water! There are consequences for letting it dry on you! It makes things smelly! Even when fresh, sweat has an odor!

Here is my unified theory of sweat sexiness, you guys: Dry sweat is always gross. (I wish I could send everyone how my sports bra smells after 3 days of use. Granted, I am an exceptionally smelly, sweaty work-outer, but still.) Dry GENITAL SWEAT is even worse. Mutual sweatiness can be sexy, if both parties are into it and it's still fresh. And SWEAT ON CLEAN CLOTH OF ANY KIND is gross. Always.

DO YOU AGREE? do you disagree??? do you have stories about someone being smelly and gross that you want to share?? LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.

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